The Woman of no Delicacy

"Feelings! I have no time for them, no chance of them."

Why did you come to the light?

Why do you come to the light?

It is your death you know.

You’re fluttering about my room

doomed to die on my cluttered floor

You should not have trusted my open window

And yet you did,

Why? 

Why did you come to the light?

Was it out of blind faith that you came?

I’ll have you know you will not make it long

You will exhaust yourself against the lamp

upon me wall

You saw an opportunity

And took it willingly because

When the cool night air met with the stuffy

air of my tiny bedroom

there you were

And how?

How is it that you being so fragile

were so bold as to come here

and I being so sturdy 

am too afraid to go where I must go?

“I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.”

In AP English yesterday we relaxed more than usual. As we had at the very beginning of the year we sat in a circle and read and analyzed a poem by Theodore Roethke. This particular poem was entitled, “The Waking”. I can only speak for myself in all honesty, but I got the feeling that we all felt sort of calm as we wound down with these simple verses. I looked around the room feeling no urge to argue or state my opinion immediately- I saw all the faces and thought of us all leaving one by one, dying one by one too. But I was okay with it. I remember polar opposite opinions between two sides of the room when the year began and sensed that all that dissent was trivial and seemed to dissipate. We were all unified inside this very truthful and lovely piece that gently commands us to “take [our] waking slow.”

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.   
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.   
I learn by going where I have to go.
We think by feeling. What is there to know?   
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.   
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?   
God bless the Ground!   I shall walk softly there,   
And learn by going where I have to go.
Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?   
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;   
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do   
To you and me; so take the lively air,   
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.
This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.   
What falls away is always. And is near.   
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.   
I learn by going where I have to go. 

…grant me to greet the coming day in peace

It is a choice, isn’t it, to trust in a God you can’t see. A God who lets things happen to you that you would prefer to have no part of.

I don’t know why my life looks like one long road stretched over flat land right now. I don’t see the hills or turns, at least I don’t want to see them. But I must have blinded myself because they’re there. 

It’s funny how jealously people cling to their money- how important stability is to a person. It’s like you’re in a play, from experience you have to be on your toes at all times, but it because a storm of anxiety if you don’t know your lines well enough. That’s insecurity, always being on edge never sure-footed. That’s what it’s like in life if you’re constantly struggling from pay check to pay check. So I guess I get it- I guess I understand why people cling to what they have.

That’s what makes me want to not have anything. At this point I’m setting myself up for debts upon debts. I want an education sure- I want a lot of things at this point. I’m scared of wandering yet I’m longing to wander. There is no security net once high school is over- unless I go to college. But as far as finances go, I’m not so sure I’ll be able to make it there, and if that is the case I have some back up plans.

I feel strangely calm about this entire situation- serene and at peace. Yet, in times like these I often ask myself who is really in control? When is it time for me to take action, and when is it time for me to trust in some Higher Power?

I Wish I knew you better

I wish I knew you better. 

I have analyzed you from all angles

As many as I can find

And still I feel I’ve never really seen you as you are

from the inside to the outside

-

If things were different

I could step in closer, just a little closer,

allow you off your pedestal

And look at you without a lens over my eyes

I know myself well

-

I know my romantic view

of you and all the things you seem to be

May serve as disappointing in the end

But I guess that’s why

I wish I knew you better

So I could be unfettered

from the image I have made of you

Inside my head

from a safe and perfect distance

 -Cat